I texted you last night asking if you were okay. I might always be waiting for that response. I know that you are gone, but in my heart I don't believe it. Looking through Facebook I found out you had died, but I didn't believe it. That's why I called and left you a message. That's why I texted you. Didn't we just talk a few days ago? Didn't I just hug you a few weeks ago?
This isn't fair. Fuck you for leaving! We just became friends again after years of avoidance. You were one of my major "loves" in high school. You have always meant so much to me. I really did love you, and still do, just not the same way. I'm thankful you connected me just one year ago to start our friendship for the second and last time. You were there for me through so much this passed year, but obviously I couldn't do enough for you.
I'm scared to go to your funeral. Will it be in the same cemetery that we use to tell ghost stories and play
hide-and-go-seek? Will your wife be there? The one who has always hated me because we dated? Will your kids be there? I don't think I can bare this.
I remember the first time I met you. Sitting on the couch, my Hawkeye sweatshirt on, and amazed at all the instruments in the garage. We were seventeen and still fairly innocent. We both believed in love at first sight. You played me my favorite songs on the guitar. You sang to me. You showed off on the drums. You called me as soon as my friends and I left and asked me out. It was great. Lots of music playing in my moms basement. Then it was over.
You were so talented and I felt so blessed knowing you even when you were alive. I've always known you are amazing. I loved going to your shows and watching your band play! Then when you got done you still wanted to hang out even though there were tons of other people wanting your attention.
You even befriended my husband because you were happy that I was happy. That's what true friends do.
Please don't hold it against me if I'm mad at you for a little while. I will always have love in my heart for you because you are the dearest of friends, but I'm mad that you took my best friend from me. I'm so sorry you were hurting this bad and felt you couldn't talk to me. I feel that this is my fault because I pushed you away to mend my own problems. I'm sorry for all of the suffering you endured that made you want to die. I promise to be your friend when I see you again!
Until we meet again....
