I texted you last night asking if you were okay. I might always be waiting for that response. I know that you are gone, but in my heart I don't believe it. Looking through Facebook I found out you had died, but I didn't believe it. That's why I called and left you a message. That's why I texted you. Didn't we just talk a few days ago? Didn't I just hug you a few weeks ago?
This isn't fair. Fuck you for leaving! We just became friends again after years of avoidance. You were one of my major "loves" in high school. You have always meant so much to me. I really did love you, and still do, just not the same way. I'm thankful you connected me just one year ago to start our friendship for the second and last time. You were there for me through so much this passed year, but obviously I couldn't do enough for you.
I'm scared to go to your funeral. Will it be in the same cemetery that we use to tell ghost stories and play
hide-and-go-seek? Will your wife be there? The one who has always hated me because we dated? Will your kids be there? I don't think I can bare this.
I remember the first time I met you. Sitting on the couch, my Hawkeye sweatshirt on, and amazed at all the instruments in the garage. We were seventeen and still fairly innocent. We both believed in love at first sight. You played me my favorite songs on the guitar. You sang to me. You showed off on the drums. You called me as soon as my friends and I left and asked me out. It was great. Lots of music playing in my moms basement. Then it was over.
You were so talented and I felt so blessed knowing you even when you were alive. I've always known you are amazing. I loved going to your shows and watching your band play! Then when you got done you still wanted to hang out even though there were tons of other people wanting your attention.
You even befriended my husband because you were happy that I was happy. That's what true friends do.
Please don't hold it against me if I'm mad at you for a little while. I will always have love in my heart for you because you are the dearest of friends, but I'm mad that you took my best friend from me. I'm so sorry you were hurting this bad and felt you couldn't talk to me. I feel that this is my fault because I pushed you away to mend my own problems. I'm sorry for all of the suffering you endured that made you want to die. I promise to be your friend when I see you again!
Until we meet again....
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Elaine Geller- Such an amazing woman!!!
Two weeks ago I went to the most inspirational seminar imaginable. Elaine Geller is the youngest Holocaust survivor and had an amazing story to tell! She overcame such harsh treatment and did what she had to so she could survive. If you ever have a chance to hear her speak, I highly recommend it! Not only was her story touching, but also made me realize how blessed I am and that if she could live through such terrible circumstances, I can surely get through my troubles. Her seminar really moved me, and here is my Q&A I handed in for class:
Speaker reaction paper
What are the main points of discussion or main arguments that you gleaned from this speaker?
I found different meaningful points on both a historical level and a personal level. She gave details in great depth about the happenings during the holocaust, but also gave some very insightful advice! She discussed some of the many struggles her family had to come across to survive, and even though I personally am probably never going to experience something at that level of pain, it still can carry over to my life! I can see that where I’m at isn’t such a bad place after all, and that if I try hard enough I can get through too. Also, she spoke of kindness in general. At one point she stated that “you can murder with the mouth over and over again, but with a gun it only takes once”. This really got me thinking about compassion and how if everybody was compassionate we would never have issues like genocide and hate crimes. Also, that made me want to help in some way, but I realized that before I help the world that I must fix myself. I can only teach compassion if I understand it myself. I really liked that I had no ideas about what we were going to talk about because I had no preconceived notions and came in with an open mind!
What developmental events or issues of note did you recognize during this presentation?
A part of her story really haunts my mind…The part about the German Shepards trained to hurt the Jewish people and how she can never get over it. I believe that the horror of the dogs must have harmed her emotional development.
Name one point or argument you agreed with and give your reasons.
At one point she stated “unless you raise your enemy to your level, don’t let them drag you down”. I loved this! I completely agreed with this because in any scenario with negativity, you must not let the bad things bring you down. You can’t get anywhere with baggage, so you have to let go of the negativity.
Name one point or argument you disagreed with and give your reasons.
Nothing! I absolutely agreed with her. I loved her presentation and it really affected me! I want to be a better person so I can help other people be compassionate too!
What surprised you, made you think, or made you want to do more research and give your reasons.
The whole presentation was a surprise! I had no idea that the seminar was about the holocaust and Elaine Gellar was a phenomenal speaker! She was so inspirational and I learned so much from her. I want to learn more about myself, because I think that through self-discovery I could become more compassionate and help others learn to be more compassionate.
So, if someone can pull through with such unspeakable circumstances, surely we can do it too! Appreciate life with the blessings we have, and to make a difference in the world we must first make a difference in ourselves!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Days Like These
Sometimes it's so hard getting out of bed. The bed is warm, the air is cold and I lack motivation. At times I truly feel that I am just going through the motions to get to the end of the day. I do the bare minimum. It's not that I hate anything in my life at all and it's too hard to stand, but I'm just lazy.
The best thing for me on days like today is to start of a list. I write down the specific things that I must do, a few things that I should do, then something I'm excited to do. I must get through all of the important things first before I get to do what I really want to be doing. It gives me something to work towards and something to look forward to.
I also must understand that I'm in a crappy mood to change it. If I know I'm just being bitchy, then it's easier to realize it's only a state of mind. I pretend I'm happy until I am. I make the decision to be in a better mood and then can see each of the tasks I must complete as an experience waiting for me. Then I soon look forward to the whole day.
The best thing for me on days like today is to start of a list. I write down the specific things that I must do, a few things that I should do, then something I'm excited to do. I must get through all of the important things first before I get to do what I really want to be doing. It gives me something to work towards and something to look forward to.
I also must understand that I'm in a crappy mood to change it. If I know I'm just being bitchy, then it's easier to realize it's only a state of mind. I pretend I'm happy until I am. I make the decision to be in a better mood and then can see each of the tasks I must complete as an experience waiting for me. Then I soon look forward to the whole day.
Monday, March 7, 2011
taken for granted
It is hard to see the ones we care about go through pain. It pains us just to see that they are sad at all. Sometimes we can't see the importance of those who mean the most to us until it's too late. Sometimes we don't notice how great of an impact they are until we don't have them. Maybe it is better to let the relationship crumble to ruins and restart? Or maybe take a step back and enjoy the view for a moment?
People don't always understand the beauty of things right away. At times we wait for our peers to judge, then we can see things in a better light. Periodically, we have to be without to truly know the depth of it's potential absence. People have to make mistakes to learn, and without those mistakes acted on, we'd never know what makes us happier.
The French were not as crazy in love with the Eiffel Tower as the rest of the world has become. They thought is was ugly. The beauty of the skeletal architecture was unknown because it was misunderstood. The glamor was lost momentarily. With time the world became madly in love with the tower, even though it's beauty was unseen at first. Does this happen with love?
People don't always understand the beauty of things right away. At times we wait for our peers to judge, then we can see things in a better light. Periodically, we have to be without to truly know the depth of it's potential absence. People have to make mistakes to learn, and without those mistakes acted on, we'd never know what makes us happier.
The French were not as crazy in love with the Eiffel Tower as the rest of the world has become. They thought is was ugly. The beauty of the skeletal architecture was unknown because it was misunderstood. The glamor was lost momentarily. With time the world became madly in love with the tower, even though it's beauty was unseen at first. Does this happen with love?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
But, the wine is the best part...
During these past few days I've barely thought of anything other than love. What does love mean to me? Does it mean what it should to me?
People throw around the word "love" so easily. I understand that there are many types of love, but is love the correct word for all of these "loves"?
I've been desperately trying to figure out what love is because the idea of love is too huge to wrap my heaed around. It's invisible and something I can't physically change, so it scares me. I visualize love as an ocean current pulling me under, and the waves rush over me too quickly for me to breathe. Love is uncontrollable. If I could understand love's power more, then possibly I could have more of that control.
I love my parents, but each in a completely different way. I love my sister, but am crazy about keeping her safe and end up smothering her. I love my family members and my friends, but I express it in varied ways. I don't think it's socially acceptable to tell my male friends that I love them, but I tell most of my female friends before each time I hang up the phone. I love my husband, but it's more of a irrational type of love. He drives me absolutely nuts, but I hate being without him. I love my son for more reasons than I could ever understand. My love for him is endless.
My husband is teaching me how to cook, so tonight we made beef and broccoli Chinese food. He tells me to open the wine because it's the most important part. I love his jokes. The meal was amazing and I had the perfect company. I love when we work things out together.
People throw around the word "love" so easily. I understand that there are many types of love, but is love the correct word for all of these "loves"?
I've been desperately trying to figure out what love is because the idea of love is too huge to wrap my heaed around. It's invisible and something I can't physically change, so it scares me. I visualize love as an ocean current pulling me under, and the waves rush over me too quickly for me to breathe. Love is uncontrollable. If I could understand love's power more, then possibly I could have more of that control.
I love my parents, but each in a completely different way. I love my sister, but am crazy about keeping her safe and end up smothering her. I love my family members and my friends, but I express it in varied ways. I don't think it's socially acceptable to tell my male friends that I love them, but I tell most of my female friends before each time I hang up the phone. I love my husband, but it's more of a irrational type of love. He drives me absolutely nuts, but I hate being without him. I love my son for more reasons than I could ever understand. My love for him is endless.
My husband is teaching me how to cook, so tonight we made beef and broccoli Chinese food. He tells me to open the wine because it's the most important part. I love his jokes. The meal was amazing and I had the perfect company. I love when we work things out together.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Greatest Gifts
Last night I couldn't sleep. I knew I had a greater purpose and that rest wasn't in the cards. My sister was due for delivery two days earlier, and I somehow knew she was going through labor as I tossed and turned in bed! I finally received the text from her telling me to hurry to the hospital. I told my husband to watch our son and what was going on. I sprinted down the stairs and ran to my car.
When I arrived my sister was moaning in pain, so I rushed to her side and held her hand. There were other loved ones by her bed, and there were such crazy emotions throughout the process. It is an amazing feeling to see so many people caring for and so in tune with my sisters needs. The shared emotions of excitement and fear perplexes me.
I felt my sisters fear, but couldn't show her how scared I was. The others cried and panicked, so I tried to take control over the situation. I felt I would have failed my sister if I let the others fall apart. It's astounding how strong someone can be when the moment actually presents itself.
My sisters pain was unfathomable! I don't think I even went through that much pain with delivering my son. Sure she had the epidural, but there were complications and she went through the worst back labor imaginable. She was so strong even through her fears. She had to overcome her fears in order to pull through.
My sister had racing heart due to anxiety, which put her into some danger. The baby went through meconium aspiration, which is when the baby defecates in the mother before birth and can be very harmful to the baby. The baby is too large to be delivered vaginally (9lbs and 6oz), so the baby was stuck in the same place for a large amount of time. The baby was also not facing the right way and no such luck at turning.
Our mother was more brave than I have ever seen. Through some of the worst contractions and scariest parts, she stayed at my sisters bed and rubbed her back. She helped with the breathing and was such a comfort. I know it was hard for our mother to be that strong, but love made her overcome those obstacles.
Labor was taking too long and the baby had been stuck in the same position for hours. The doctors met together and decided that the best option was a cesarean. Even though it wasn't part of the birth plan, due to the circumstances action had to be improvised. This decision made everyone even more nervous, and there were some serious break downs on everybody's part. They were well deserved, but I had to hide my tears. Seeing my sister in so much pain I was terrified to lose her. I have never seen someone hurt that bad before, and I was freaking out inside, but dead calm in person.
The nurse handed me some scrubs and told me to change. I don't know how I was picked out of all the others to join my sister while in surgery, but I knew that's what I had to do. I desperately needed to be there to make sure my sister was doing as well as she could. I am more than flattered that I was picked, and it was the most amazing thing to be there for her. I couldn't even begin to express how much it meant to me that my sister allowed me to be apart of this!
I held her hand while she had her surgery and cried out of joy when I saw the baby pulled out. The doctors let me cut the cord, and it was the most rewarding feeling I have ever felt. I left my sisters side for a short moment to follow my niece into the NICU, but then returned to her quickly to make sure she was doing better.
When I left them to tend to my son at home they were doing well. I couldn't be more proud of my sister. She was so courageous and strong, so I know they will be fine.
Also, a neat tidbit, it's my sister's birthday! Having her first child on her birthday is surely the best present she could have ever received!
When I arrived my sister was moaning in pain, so I rushed to her side and held her hand. There were other loved ones by her bed, and there were such crazy emotions throughout the process. It is an amazing feeling to see so many people caring for and so in tune with my sisters needs. The shared emotions of excitement and fear perplexes me.
I felt my sisters fear, but couldn't show her how scared I was. The others cried and panicked, so I tried to take control over the situation. I felt I would have failed my sister if I let the others fall apart. It's astounding how strong someone can be when the moment actually presents itself.
My sisters pain was unfathomable! I don't think I even went through that much pain with delivering my son. Sure she had the epidural, but there were complications and she went through the worst back labor imaginable. She was so strong even through her fears. She had to overcome her fears in order to pull through.
My sister had racing heart due to anxiety, which put her into some danger. The baby went through meconium aspiration, which is when the baby defecates in the mother before birth and can be very harmful to the baby. The baby is too large to be delivered vaginally (9lbs and 6oz), so the baby was stuck in the same place for a large amount of time. The baby was also not facing the right way and no such luck at turning.
Our mother was more brave than I have ever seen. Through some of the worst contractions and scariest parts, she stayed at my sisters bed and rubbed her back. She helped with the breathing and was such a comfort. I know it was hard for our mother to be that strong, but love made her overcome those obstacles.
Labor was taking too long and the baby had been stuck in the same position for hours. The doctors met together and decided that the best option was a cesarean. Even though it wasn't part of the birth plan, due to the circumstances action had to be improvised. This decision made everyone even more nervous, and there were some serious break downs on everybody's part. They were well deserved, but I had to hide my tears. Seeing my sister in so much pain I was terrified to lose her. I have never seen someone hurt that bad before, and I was freaking out inside, but dead calm in person.
The nurse handed me some scrubs and told me to change. I don't know how I was picked out of all the others to join my sister while in surgery, but I knew that's what I had to do. I desperately needed to be there to make sure my sister was doing as well as she could. I am more than flattered that I was picked, and it was the most amazing thing to be there for her. I couldn't even begin to express how much it meant to me that my sister allowed me to be apart of this!
I held her hand while she had her surgery and cried out of joy when I saw the baby pulled out. The doctors let me cut the cord, and it was the most rewarding feeling I have ever felt. I left my sisters side for a short moment to follow my niece into the NICU, but then returned to her quickly to make sure she was doing better.
When I left them to tend to my son at home they were doing well. I couldn't be more proud of my sister. She was so courageous and strong, so I know they will be fine.
Also, a neat tidbit, it's my sister's birthday! Having her first child on her birthday is surely the best present she could have ever received!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
New Mom. New Wife. New Me.
All relationships are work. If someone says they're not, they are flat out lying!
My husband and I have been married since October 16, 2010. Only about a year and a half. Once we came home from our honeymoon we found out we were expecting. We had planned on starting a family right away, but even if a couple is already committed to having a family, it's still a shock when it actually happens!
I have always been a very passionate person in relationships, and I felt like I wasn't receiving the same affection for most of the time I was with my husband, before we even got married. Why would I have decided to marry him then? Well, I have my excuses...I was young, I had already been with him for three years, I knew he cared about me, he took care of me, my family loves him, I love his family, and we were already so integrated in each other's lives that it felt like getting married was the only choice we had. I married him for the wrong reasons. It wasn't love that kept us together, it was security. It's wasn't financial security though, it was the security of knowing we had each other to fill a void. There was a void in each of us that made us feel like we couldn't live without the other, but we weren't happy either. We were just stuck in a funk that left us feeling hopeless.
Yesterday I read a play in theatre class that really made me think about being unhappy in relationships. I know that I have always cared about my husband, but at some point I fell out of love with him. Through recent events I have begun to be in love with him again, but our separation began because I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. The play I read in class was about a woman who is oppressed by her husband, not because he is violent or abusive in any other way, but because she allowed herself to be in his shadow. The story is even more gloomy because she goes insane and hangs her husband...I am NOT saying I'm going to hurt anyone, just that I feel sorry for someone in so much pain, and that I will never live my life like that. I don't want the marriage or relationship with my husband that I use to have, I want my husband and I to learn and grow through our problems together and end up living happily ever after.
I have always thought that being madly in love meant that there was supposed to be constant romance. I don't believe that one bit anymore. Romance is amazing, but it does not equate to passion. Passion must always be in a relationship, but romance is just for fun. Passion is the fight to stay together.
I've come up with a dorky metaphor for relationship all on my own! I've realized that relationships are like the difference between sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies...you can be great by yourself, but it's even better with something amazing added. I feel like there's not a void in my life where someone should be, but that my husband is added to make my life better. This realization is all I've wanted throughout our separation.
Now I feel that my journey is complete and I'm ready for a new one. I don't want the same relationship I had with my husband before, I want a new one.
I wanted more validation for my marriage than we are just supposed to be together. I wanted to feel like there was more to it again.
People can't be stuck in a relationship just because that's what they're supposed to do, they need to have passion, and we lost that for a little while.
Yesterday my husband and I met up for lunch and I asked him to move back. We are both on the same page and have realized that we mean so much to each other. I told him about my funny metaphor for relationships, and to poke fun about my finding and to symbolize our reunion, we made some amazing chocolate chip cookies! Just like us, from scratch and used team work!(see, I'm doing it again...those metaphors)
My husband and I have been married since October 16, 2010. Only about a year and a half. Once we came home from our honeymoon we found out we were expecting. We had planned on starting a family right away, but even if a couple is already committed to having a family, it's still a shock when it actually happens!
I have always been a very passionate person in relationships, and I felt like I wasn't receiving the same affection for most of the time I was with my husband, before we even got married. Why would I have decided to marry him then? Well, I have my excuses...I was young, I had already been with him for three years, I knew he cared about me, he took care of me, my family loves him, I love his family, and we were already so integrated in each other's lives that it felt like getting married was the only choice we had. I married him for the wrong reasons. It wasn't love that kept us together, it was security. It's wasn't financial security though, it was the security of knowing we had each other to fill a void. There was a void in each of us that made us feel like we couldn't live without the other, but we weren't happy either. We were just stuck in a funk that left us feeling hopeless.
Yesterday I read a play in theatre class that really made me think about being unhappy in relationships. I know that I have always cared about my husband, but at some point I fell out of love with him. Through recent events I have begun to be in love with him again, but our separation began because I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. The play I read in class was about a woman who is oppressed by her husband, not because he is violent or abusive in any other way, but because she allowed herself to be in his shadow. The story is even more gloomy because she goes insane and hangs her husband...I am NOT saying I'm going to hurt anyone, just that I feel sorry for someone in so much pain, and that I will never live my life like that. I don't want the marriage or relationship with my husband that I use to have, I want my husband and I to learn and grow through our problems together and end up living happily ever after.
I have always thought that being madly in love meant that there was supposed to be constant romance. I don't believe that one bit anymore. Romance is amazing, but it does not equate to passion. Passion must always be in a relationship, but romance is just for fun. Passion is the fight to stay together.
I've come up with a dorky metaphor for relationship all on my own! I've realized that relationships are like the difference between sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies...you can be great by yourself, but it's even better with something amazing added. I feel like there's not a void in my life where someone should be, but that my husband is added to make my life better. This realization is all I've wanted throughout our separation.
Now I feel that my journey is complete and I'm ready for a new one. I don't want the same relationship I had with my husband before, I want a new one.
I wanted more validation for my marriage than we are just supposed to be together. I wanted to feel like there was more to it again.
People can't be stuck in a relationship just because that's what they're supposed to do, they need to have passion, and we lost that for a little while.
Yesterday my husband and I met up for lunch and I asked him to move back. We are both on the same page and have realized that we mean so much to each other. I told him about my funny metaphor for relationships, and to poke fun about my finding and to symbolize our reunion, we made some amazing chocolate chip cookies! Just like us, from scratch and used team work!(see, I'm doing it again...those metaphors)
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