During these past few days I've barely thought of anything other than love. What does love mean to me? Does it mean what it should to me?
People throw around the word "love" so easily. I understand that there are many types of love, but is love the correct word for all of these "loves"?
I've been desperately trying to figure out what love is because the idea of love is too huge to wrap my heaed around. It's invisible and something I can't physically change, so it scares me. I visualize love as an ocean current pulling me under, and the waves rush over me too quickly for me to breathe. Love is uncontrollable. If I could understand love's power more, then possibly I could have more of that control.
I love my parents, but each in a completely different way. I love my sister, but am crazy about keeping her safe and end up smothering her. I love my family members and my friends, but I express it in varied ways. I don't think it's socially acceptable to tell my male friends that I love them, but I tell most of my female friends before each time I hang up the phone. I love my husband, but it's more of a irrational type of love. He drives me absolutely nuts, but I hate being without him. I love my son for more reasons than I could ever understand. My love for him is endless.
My husband is teaching me how to cook, so tonight we made beef and broccoli Chinese food. He tells me to open the wine because it's the most important part. I love his jokes. The meal was amazing and I had the perfect company. I love when we work things out together.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Greatest Gifts
Last night I couldn't sleep. I knew I had a greater purpose and that rest wasn't in the cards. My sister was due for delivery two days earlier, and I somehow knew she was going through labor as I tossed and turned in bed! I finally received the text from her telling me to hurry to the hospital. I told my husband to watch our son and what was going on. I sprinted down the stairs and ran to my car.
When I arrived my sister was moaning in pain, so I rushed to her side and held her hand. There were other loved ones by her bed, and there were such crazy emotions throughout the process. It is an amazing feeling to see so many people caring for and so in tune with my sisters needs. The shared emotions of excitement and fear perplexes me.
I felt my sisters fear, but couldn't show her how scared I was. The others cried and panicked, so I tried to take control over the situation. I felt I would have failed my sister if I let the others fall apart. It's astounding how strong someone can be when the moment actually presents itself.
My sisters pain was unfathomable! I don't think I even went through that much pain with delivering my son. Sure she had the epidural, but there were complications and she went through the worst back labor imaginable. She was so strong even through her fears. She had to overcome her fears in order to pull through.
My sister had racing heart due to anxiety, which put her into some danger. The baby went through meconium aspiration, which is when the baby defecates in the mother before birth and can be very harmful to the baby. The baby is too large to be delivered vaginally (9lbs and 6oz), so the baby was stuck in the same place for a large amount of time. The baby was also not facing the right way and no such luck at turning.
Our mother was more brave than I have ever seen. Through some of the worst contractions and scariest parts, she stayed at my sisters bed and rubbed her back. She helped with the breathing and was such a comfort. I know it was hard for our mother to be that strong, but love made her overcome those obstacles.
Labor was taking too long and the baby had been stuck in the same position for hours. The doctors met together and decided that the best option was a cesarean. Even though it wasn't part of the birth plan, due to the circumstances action had to be improvised. This decision made everyone even more nervous, and there were some serious break downs on everybody's part. They were well deserved, but I had to hide my tears. Seeing my sister in so much pain I was terrified to lose her. I have never seen someone hurt that bad before, and I was freaking out inside, but dead calm in person.
The nurse handed me some scrubs and told me to change. I don't know how I was picked out of all the others to join my sister while in surgery, but I knew that's what I had to do. I desperately needed to be there to make sure my sister was doing as well as she could. I am more than flattered that I was picked, and it was the most amazing thing to be there for her. I couldn't even begin to express how much it meant to me that my sister allowed me to be apart of this!
I held her hand while she had her surgery and cried out of joy when I saw the baby pulled out. The doctors let me cut the cord, and it was the most rewarding feeling I have ever felt. I left my sisters side for a short moment to follow my niece into the NICU, but then returned to her quickly to make sure she was doing better.
When I left them to tend to my son at home they were doing well. I couldn't be more proud of my sister. She was so courageous and strong, so I know they will be fine.
Also, a neat tidbit, it's my sister's birthday! Having her first child on her birthday is surely the best present she could have ever received!
When I arrived my sister was moaning in pain, so I rushed to her side and held her hand. There were other loved ones by her bed, and there were such crazy emotions throughout the process. It is an amazing feeling to see so many people caring for and so in tune with my sisters needs. The shared emotions of excitement and fear perplexes me.
I felt my sisters fear, but couldn't show her how scared I was. The others cried and panicked, so I tried to take control over the situation. I felt I would have failed my sister if I let the others fall apart. It's astounding how strong someone can be when the moment actually presents itself.
My sisters pain was unfathomable! I don't think I even went through that much pain with delivering my son. Sure she had the epidural, but there were complications and she went through the worst back labor imaginable. She was so strong even through her fears. She had to overcome her fears in order to pull through.
My sister had racing heart due to anxiety, which put her into some danger. The baby went through meconium aspiration, which is when the baby defecates in the mother before birth and can be very harmful to the baby. The baby is too large to be delivered vaginally (9lbs and 6oz), so the baby was stuck in the same place for a large amount of time. The baby was also not facing the right way and no such luck at turning.
Our mother was more brave than I have ever seen. Through some of the worst contractions and scariest parts, she stayed at my sisters bed and rubbed her back. She helped with the breathing and was such a comfort. I know it was hard for our mother to be that strong, but love made her overcome those obstacles.
Labor was taking too long and the baby had been stuck in the same position for hours. The doctors met together and decided that the best option was a cesarean. Even though it wasn't part of the birth plan, due to the circumstances action had to be improvised. This decision made everyone even more nervous, and there were some serious break downs on everybody's part. They were well deserved, but I had to hide my tears. Seeing my sister in so much pain I was terrified to lose her. I have never seen someone hurt that bad before, and I was freaking out inside, but dead calm in person.
The nurse handed me some scrubs and told me to change. I don't know how I was picked out of all the others to join my sister while in surgery, but I knew that's what I had to do. I desperately needed to be there to make sure my sister was doing as well as she could. I am more than flattered that I was picked, and it was the most amazing thing to be there for her. I couldn't even begin to express how much it meant to me that my sister allowed me to be apart of this!
I held her hand while she had her surgery and cried out of joy when I saw the baby pulled out. The doctors let me cut the cord, and it was the most rewarding feeling I have ever felt. I left my sisters side for a short moment to follow my niece into the NICU, but then returned to her quickly to make sure she was doing better.
When I left them to tend to my son at home they were doing well. I couldn't be more proud of my sister. She was so courageous and strong, so I know they will be fine.
Also, a neat tidbit, it's my sister's birthday! Having her first child on her birthday is surely the best present she could have ever received!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
New Mom. New Wife. New Me.
All relationships are work. If someone says they're not, they are flat out lying!
My husband and I have been married since October 16, 2010. Only about a year and a half. Once we came home from our honeymoon we found out we were expecting. We had planned on starting a family right away, but even if a couple is already committed to having a family, it's still a shock when it actually happens!
I have always been a very passionate person in relationships, and I felt like I wasn't receiving the same affection for most of the time I was with my husband, before we even got married. Why would I have decided to marry him then? Well, I have my excuses...I was young, I had already been with him for three years, I knew he cared about me, he took care of me, my family loves him, I love his family, and we were already so integrated in each other's lives that it felt like getting married was the only choice we had. I married him for the wrong reasons. It wasn't love that kept us together, it was security. It's wasn't financial security though, it was the security of knowing we had each other to fill a void. There was a void in each of us that made us feel like we couldn't live without the other, but we weren't happy either. We were just stuck in a funk that left us feeling hopeless.
Yesterday I read a play in theatre class that really made me think about being unhappy in relationships. I know that I have always cared about my husband, but at some point I fell out of love with him. Through recent events I have begun to be in love with him again, but our separation began because I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. The play I read in class was about a woman who is oppressed by her husband, not because he is violent or abusive in any other way, but because she allowed herself to be in his shadow. The story is even more gloomy because she goes insane and hangs her husband...I am NOT saying I'm going to hurt anyone, just that I feel sorry for someone in so much pain, and that I will never live my life like that. I don't want the marriage or relationship with my husband that I use to have, I want my husband and I to learn and grow through our problems together and end up living happily ever after.
I have always thought that being madly in love meant that there was supposed to be constant romance. I don't believe that one bit anymore. Romance is amazing, but it does not equate to passion. Passion must always be in a relationship, but romance is just for fun. Passion is the fight to stay together.
I've come up with a dorky metaphor for relationship all on my own! I've realized that relationships are like the difference between sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies...you can be great by yourself, but it's even better with something amazing added. I feel like there's not a void in my life where someone should be, but that my husband is added to make my life better. This realization is all I've wanted throughout our separation.
Now I feel that my journey is complete and I'm ready for a new one. I don't want the same relationship I had with my husband before, I want a new one.
I wanted more validation for my marriage than we are just supposed to be together. I wanted to feel like there was more to it again.
People can't be stuck in a relationship just because that's what they're supposed to do, they need to have passion, and we lost that for a little while.
Yesterday my husband and I met up for lunch and I asked him to move back. We are both on the same page and have realized that we mean so much to each other. I told him about my funny metaphor for relationships, and to poke fun about my finding and to symbolize our reunion, we made some amazing chocolate chip cookies! Just like us, from scratch and used team work!(see, I'm doing it again...those metaphors)
My husband and I have been married since October 16, 2010. Only about a year and a half. Once we came home from our honeymoon we found out we were expecting. We had planned on starting a family right away, but even if a couple is already committed to having a family, it's still a shock when it actually happens!
I have always been a very passionate person in relationships, and I felt like I wasn't receiving the same affection for most of the time I was with my husband, before we even got married. Why would I have decided to marry him then? Well, I have my excuses...I was young, I had already been with him for three years, I knew he cared about me, he took care of me, my family loves him, I love his family, and we were already so integrated in each other's lives that it felt like getting married was the only choice we had. I married him for the wrong reasons. It wasn't love that kept us together, it was security. It's wasn't financial security though, it was the security of knowing we had each other to fill a void. There was a void in each of us that made us feel like we couldn't live without the other, but we weren't happy either. We were just stuck in a funk that left us feeling hopeless.
Yesterday I read a play in theatre class that really made me think about being unhappy in relationships. I know that I have always cared about my husband, but at some point I fell out of love with him. Through recent events I have begun to be in love with him again, but our separation began because I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. The play I read in class was about a woman who is oppressed by her husband, not because he is violent or abusive in any other way, but because she allowed herself to be in his shadow. The story is even more gloomy because she goes insane and hangs her husband...I am NOT saying I'm going to hurt anyone, just that I feel sorry for someone in so much pain, and that I will never live my life like that. I don't want the marriage or relationship with my husband that I use to have, I want my husband and I to learn and grow through our problems together and end up living happily ever after.
I have always thought that being madly in love meant that there was supposed to be constant romance. I don't believe that one bit anymore. Romance is amazing, but it does not equate to passion. Passion must always be in a relationship, but romance is just for fun. Passion is the fight to stay together.
I've come up with a dorky metaphor for relationship all on my own! I've realized that relationships are like the difference between sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies...you can be great by yourself, but it's even better with something amazing added. I feel like there's not a void in my life where someone should be, but that my husband is added to make my life better. This realization is all I've wanted throughout our separation.
Now I feel that my journey is complete and I'm ready for a new one. I don't want the same relationship I had with my husband before, I want a new one.
I wanted more validation for my marriage than we are just supposed to be together. I wanted to feel like there was more to it again.
People can't be stuck in a relationship just because that's what they're supposed to do, they need to have passion, and we lost that for a little while.
Yesterday my husband and I met up for lunch and I asked him to move back. We are both on the same page and have realized that we mean so much to each other. I told him about my funny metaphor for relationships, and to poke fun about my finding and to symbolize our reunion, we made some amazing chocolate chip cookies! Just like us, from scratch and used team work!(see, I'm doing it again...those metaphors)
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