Guilt

Guilt
April 2, 2013
I have an awfully hard time letting go of things.  Especially things that I think I could have done better.  Overcoming guilt is not my forte.  I let others and myself bring me down.  I have started to really get a gauge on why I let guilt rule me.  When I start feeling guilty I need to look at what the true source is, and then I can realize the outer causes of my mind-set.
People will always bring you down.  It is their job and you are meant to stay on your toes.  It’s like a game people play.  Not everyone, just the negative people in your life. Sometimes I just need to figure out if those people are necessary staples or can be ripped out.
Negative people will find anyone to blame.  I have gone through this my whole life, and I would be surprised to find a person who hasn’t.  It can be major issues the person has with me, or things that have nothing to do with them.
My marriage, eating habits, religion, job choice, what I do and don’t do, what I have done, political views, how I raise my child and how I spend my money tend to be exterior people’s business.  I have realized that I don’t have to explain myself.  I am me.  If I chose to marry the person I love, the right people will be there for us.  If my friends are going through a divorce, that doesn’t mean their actions hinder mine. If I am a vegetarian with other limitations on my diet, the right people will make sure I have something to eat.  My child is polite without having to spank him.  The right people have forgiven me for my teen angst issues from my past life, and it seems as though the people I hurt the most I am the closest to. I am content with my life without having others guilt me into acting the way they want me to.  I also have not wronged anybody by taking care of myself.
Sometimes I am the negativity.  Negativity is something I must learn to overcome.  I fill myself with guilt over things I have done but people have long ago forgiven me for.  I also have one of those racing minds which pretend to foresee what is coming, when in reality it will not be that bad.  People will not always look down on me for making my choices, but I might.
Looking deep down into my subconscious is the only way to fully understand why my guilt is there.  Poking at the noise in my head to see if it is myself or others, and to see if there is a real reason for my uneasiness.  I’m learning, but it takes time.

“I am a person who feels guilty for crimes I have not committed, or have not committed in years. The police search the train station for a serial rapist and I cover my face with a newspaper, wondering if maybe I did it in my sleep. The last thing I stole was an eight-track tape, but to this day I’m unable to enter a store without feeling like a shoplifter. It’s all the anxiety with none of the free stuff.”
DAVID SEDARIS, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim